You have been away for so long.
Some days it is hard for me to even remember your face. I cannot imagine what it must be like to wonder what your eyes look like in the mind of my child.
He asks about you. He is so curious about the person you might be.
Although I take pride in the hard work and love that I have provided in his favor, it still stabs me right in the heart to hear him tell his friend, “I just have a mommy.”
The other children look at him in confusion, and he is such a strong little boy to even share such painful information. Continues on the next pages…
That little child has grown up without you there to gaze with pride.
He has transformed into a tiny human who has never had the real sense of what it’s like to have a father. Can you imagine what he must think of you?
As always, you say that I hold him from you. What else am I supposed to do at this point?
Should I let you back in just like that? Like a magic trick, should I let you appear from the shadows without any questions?
No, that’s not how this works. That’s not how a child works.
That child has so many unanswered questions; he has so many things he wants to ask but I know that he is too scared to hear the answers.
You cannot walk back into his life and think that he will take your hand and be your best friend.
You absolutely will not fall into his life from out of the skies and confuse his growing mind.
You cannot, and you will not, walk back into his world and decide to walk back out again without any notice. You will never do that to him again.
I will never share with him how you would show up in his life for weeks at a time, play with him, hold him, feed him, and love him just to walk away when something else became more interesting to you.
A child is not a video game.
You cannot put down the controller and walk away whenever you feel like it, only to come back when you want to make yourself feel better.
You will not walk back into his life until he is old enough to understand that you may not stay.
You will not break his heart.
I am his mother and I refuse to let you break him down.
Until he is tall enough to open the door, it will remain closed. So wait outside until the day that he decides to let you in on his own.